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50 questions I've asked myself since becoming a mother

March 28th 2015 / Emma Bartley


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New mums are full of uncertainty; from how to feed the baby to whether hair-washing is mandatory, here are some of the highbrow concerns we trouble ourselves about daily

  1. This gets easier, right?

  2. I mean, how can something this small make so much noise?

  3. Is that a hungry cry or a tired cry?


  5. Am I a bad mother?

  6. Is that person thinking I’m a bad mother?

  7. OMG who sent us this brilliant thing that stops the crying and did I send them a thank-you letter?

  8. Given that I can't remember, is it better to send one now and risk them getting two, or indeed sending it to the wrong person entirely, or never to send one at all?

  9. Where did that sock go?

  10. What am I going to feed her?


  12. No, seriously, where is that sock?

  13. Whoa there. What’s that smell?

  14. I mean, how can something this small produce this much s***?

  15. Will anyone notice if I don’t wash my hair?

  16. Is this the end of my social life?

  17. Is this the end of my career?

  18. Why didn’t I get a Tamagotchi instead?

  19. Or a cat, like a normal person?

  20. Is that the sock that fell off before, or the other one?

  21. You don’t really have to do pelvic floor exercises every day, right? Like, doing two twice a week is enough?


  23. When is she going to smile/roll over/crawl/talk/play the piano?

  24. OMG she can smile/roll over/crawl/talk/play the piano! Is it too soon to start talking about “gifted and talented” programmes?

  25. Will a second cup of coffee keep me awake later?

  26. Will I fall asleep now if I don’t drink any more coffee?

  27. Is this surreal, dream-like feeling from sleep deprivation or too much coffee?

  28. I wonder if anyone wants to go to the coffee shop?

  29. What day is it?

  30. When can I stop breastfeeding?

  31. Will I regret it if I stop breastfeeding?

  32. Why is my husband so useless?

  33. How the hell do single mums do this without husbands or partners?

  34. What month is it?

  35. I wonder when was the last time I wore a bra that actually fitted me?

  36. Would this be easier if I'd waited until I was older?

  37. Did I remember to put the washing machine on?

  38. OMG what will we do if the washing machine breaks?

  39. Or the dishwasher? *Makes sign of the cross with fingers*

  40. If I was a child’s welly boot, where would I be?

  41. Is it best if we just become hippies so she can go barefoot?

  42. Would I suit dreadlocks? At least it would solve the hair-washing problem…

  43. Would my face be this wrinkled at this age if I hadn’t had a child?

  44. I wonder what’s going on out there, in the world?

  45. When, exactly, does it get easier?

  46. Should I have another one in case this one moves to Australia?

  47. It’s easier with the second one, right?

  48. Why am I not pregnant again, I’ve had sex like twice this year.

  49. Oh God there are some childless people, what do you talk about with people who don’t have kids?

  50. Where did this sock come from?

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