Imogen Edwards Jones couldn't resist finding out if popping a pill could turn back the clock
Could youth be something that creeps up on you? I only ask this absurd rhetorical question because something happened the other day to make me wonder if, in these weird modern times where certainties are no longer sure, vampires have been reduced to facelifts and butt-cheeks have their own postcode; could it be possible, actually, to reverse the ageing process, without the use of a scalpel, clamp, saw, drill, or copious amounts of polyfilla?
Sharp, smart Glossies might remember I mentioned an old friend of mine the other day called Susie Rogers. Well, in those olden days Susie used to run a rather glamorous Pilates studio where the great and the not-so-well-behaved used to sit on a rubber ball while said Susie’d scream, “Pencil!” at them in her broad American accent, reminding them to tighten their fanny during each and every thrust, stretch and lift. The idea being one imagined the pencil where the sun don’t shine and gripped it with all your might.
The studio was hugely successful, but even so, she moved on, opened a gym and now finally among the many strings to her bow she has BeautyWorksWest - a sort of alternative, bespoke, head-of-the-curve salon for the discerning ladies of Notting Hill who don’t want to enter their less springy chickeny years looking like one of those lips and tits Barbies whose plumped mouths are all the better to unblock the sink.
Anyway the other day, I met her for lunch. I had not seen her for over ten years so was a little bit anxious about spotting her in the crowd. How very silly of me! For there she was, waving away (her bingo-wing or her ‘Hello Sailor’ tricep as she used to call it was naturally as solid as a rock) and she looked exactly the same. Exactly. I hilariously, jokingly, asked her if she had a portrait in her attic. To which her response was to slip me a packet of pills underneath the table.
“Youth,” she whispered, like she was handing over some really ‘good shit’ that you’d be pulled over for scoring on the All Saints Road. “It’s good for the skin, the hair, and the you know what...”
“Libido?” I squeaked.
“Memory.” She replied.
“Oh.” Did that sound too disappointed?
“And sex, obviously,” she grinned. “Give them to your husband and you won’t be able to stop the man. Two in the morning, two at night.”
“What…?”
“No... pills.”
So that’s what I did. I placed the rather nice square shaped bottle by my bed and every morning and night, come rain, shine or a bottle of wine, I popped them down with a slurp of water.
Developed by Susie and renowned skin specialist Dr. Daniel Sister, Youth Capsules contain amino acids and a marine plant extract which help boost growth hormones encouraging skin repair, increased hair and nail growth and wrinkle reduction as well as stronger bones, increase muscle growth and so aide restful sleep.
You are supposed to notice a difference after six weeks.
It has been six weeks now and frankly I am beginning to feel like one of those dogs who get put onto a super nutritious new diet and develop a glossy coat and go galloping through the fields, barking contentedly, only to merrily clear a five bar gate! I have nice nails that don’t flake and snap as soon as I open so much as an envelope, I have more energy, clearer skin and my snappy dyed hair doesn’t snap any more.
It wasn’t an overnight thing. The Youth crept up on me, like some stealth supplement, giving my hair bounce and my brain focus. I have been able to work better, I am less surly and I am marginally less mean to my children. My husband is the same. He is more jolly, less tired and his skin is looking a little more luminous.
And the libido? Well, frankly, that hasn’t kicked in yet. But then again after 15 years of marriage one must thank heaven for these small mercies.