There's something very suspicious about this whole Simon Cowell babygate scandal - aside, of course, from the king of cheese's unexpectedly high sperm count. How does the Harem manage to look so soignée aboard the Love Yacht? And how, precisely, do they keep their hair looking so smooth and knot-free?
The first thing that happens when I go on holiday is that my normal hair also goes on vacation, and something resembling old fur-balls takes over. Firstly it matts, then it knots, nests and if I am really lucky it actually turns green. There is nothing like channelling Orville as a style guru to really slow you down at an Ibizan boat party. But equally there is also nothing more dull than a woman who won't swim "because of her hair."
Over the years I have tried various methods to avoid haystack head. I spent one summer with hair slick with coconut oil; I've done the hippy headscarf thing to death; and last year I was accosted by a somewhat over-refreshed Nancy Dell'Olio who proceeded to drizzle Argan oil over my head as if she were preparing a side salad in the Cipriani. It was, I have to admit, a good look for the night, but my super expensive thread-count pillow case was not quite so delighted.
Imagine my relief, then, to discover Bamboo Beach Summer Sun Recovery Spray , £18. More emollient than Cowell at an L.A. cocktail party, it also resembles our unlikely baby daddy in that it comes in an alarming shade of bright orange and smells rather suspiciously of fruit.
Still: who cares, it works. All you do is shake the bottle, spritz it on over damp beach hair and voila: frizz-free and yacht ready. For the first summer in living memory, my hair is no longer made of wire wool and it is not sticking out at right angles from my head.