Sarah Vine dissects Kim Kardashian's bum
In some ways, this shoot is pure genius. Most women take their clothes off in order to become famous; Kardashian is doing it the other way around. The bigger she gets, the bolder she becomes. What's great about this strategy is that she calls the shots. What you see before you is not a woman demeaning herself for the camera; it's a woman firmly in control of her own image.
Which, by the way, she adores. Kardashian is a modern Narcissus, obsessed with every aspect of her own appearance. In the interview that accompanies this shoot, she only reveals one interesting fact: all of her selfies are carefully recorded and catalogued. She knows and remembers each and every one of them, and the circumstances surrounding them. She is her own biggest fan.
She may have a brilliant talent for self-promotion; but that doesn't make her okay. She's not using her power for anything other than her own benefit, and the example she sets isn't exactly an inspiring one. I'm not one of those who thinks she's a post-modern feminist icon. She's just an attention seeking little minx who'll do anything to get herself on the cover of a magazine.
Hmm. What else...
1) The shininess of it. Some poor minion has had to spend their morning polishing and buffing that butt to perfection. "How was your day, darling?" "Oh, you know, the trains were delayed, and then this woman with a big bum came in for a photoshoot and I spent most of the day with a chamois leather and a bottle of Baby Oil polishing it. Now I've got tennis elbow. What's for tea?"
2) The shininess of it, part 2. We all know what that amount of lubrication implies in the vicinity of that part of anatomy. It's all part of a general cultural obsession with women's rears that lately has gotten completely out of control. Twerking, Nicky Minaj's deeply unpleasant song Anaconda, Miley Cyrus etc. It's demeaning and sexist, and I don't care if that makes me a bitter old bag.
3) Her head. It's at least two and a half times smaller than her bum. That's not right.
4) Her hair. She's clearly so turned on by herself, it's got an erection.
5) The full frontal. The bum might be considered cheeky; the rest is just pornography.
6) The craven manipulation. The "Break the Internet" caption says it all.
7) Her waist. This, actually, is the true show-stopper. Without that wasp waist, the bum wouldn't be nearly as impressive.
8) The champagne glass. What do we think - Blu Tack? Or glue-dots?
What do you think? Tweet us @GetTheGloss