Firstly, I promise there are no ‘before’ and ‘after’ pics.
Secondly, I promise you, I did it!
And thirdly – here’s the biggie – who on earth needs to detox their vagina? Who on earth needs to be told to "Love your vulva more”? Who on earth wants to try Blackout an activated charcoal mask that detoxes and soothes your vulva. Oh, and it’s made by a company called Two L(i)ps (see what they did there?).
Now, I know I’m an old fashioned crone who’s never had a vajazzle, never totally waxed off the whole bush (I’ve always kept a small landing strip) and who’s also never dyed or shaved their pubes into stripes, patterns, shapes, squares or a small furry animal in need of petting. In short, I am not a woman who gives her wazoo much thought. I do rudimentary minge management. I wax and clip and occasionally when I’ve been a little too busy, I’ve posted the straggling escapees back under my bikini while relaxing by the pool. But basically my vagina and I, we get by.
Who has 15 to 20 minutes to lie legs akimbo, on their bed without being interrupted by someone wanting help with their GCSE physics?
It’s not that I don’t have time for beauty, I do, but with two children, a husband, a mother, brother, sister, cousins, friends, a dog, a car, an ex-rabbit, ex-hamster and a current job – there are only so many minutes a month I get to work on myself. And frankly, those minutes have to count and make a massive impact… immediately. So I’ll dye my hair and eyebrows, get the legs done, the mani-pedi-fani and that’s basically it. Anything else is extra. A mask? A peel? A massage? They can form a queue.
So I have to admit, the Two L(i)ps Blackout fanny pack sat on my desk for a while. Who has 15 to 20 minutes in their day to lie like a starfish, legs akimbo, on their bed without being interrupted by someone wanting help with their GCSE physics? And, on reading the small print for ‘best results’ you are supposed to use five fresh fanny packs continuously for five days. So that’s a 100 minutes in one week to lie, akimbo, without anyone, not even the dead hamster, knocking on the door.
But, dear reader, in the name of all things Gloss I did it. So this Monday morning it was pants off, peel off the grey plastic backing and straight on with the serum infused mask, fake lacy knicker side up. Slap, straight on the muff, the panels smoothed between my thighs! Christ! It was FREEZING. Like taking a large plaice straight from the fridge and shoving it on your bits – it was just as cold and slimy and, frankly, it didn’t smell much better either. Maybe their 15-minute vulva ritual playlist would have helped.
This vag pack is apparently massive in Japan and I can’t for the life of me think why. Initially, it made me desperate for the loo. It was like wearing a cold, wet, swimming costume, unpleasant enough to trigger a virulent episode of cystitis. Then after about five minutes, it warmed up. Somehow that was worse. Perhaps I had peed myself unawares?
And then… then… I waited for the organic plant serum to soak in and draw out the toxins and improve my lymphatic drainage and give me a soothed, bright and nourished front bottom. By the way, you can use it whether you're hairy or not and they say it's pH balanced and soothing if you've had a bikini wax or IPL .
Well, it certainly felt wet and warm and er… possibly nourished? I’m not sure what a bright vulva looks like, but mine could, perhaps, have been brighter? Who knows? Not bright enough to wear sunglasses. Was it soothed? It wasn’t very cross in the first place. Arrrgh, get it off me!
So: The upside? I got to lie down in the middle of the day. The downside? I could have really done without the little wet patch on my sheets afterwards. And my vagina? It’s still there. Poor thing, but a little less neglected.
Blackout sheet mask from Two Lips, £17 for a single mask, £68 for a box of five. Not suitable for pregnancy. www.twolips.vip