I’m nearing the end of my laser quest, bikini line maintenance is a distant memory and Sonya now knows everything about my friend’s boyfriends, impromptu weekend plans and bad bus links (six knicker-free sessions create a certain intimacy). This laser hair removal business is becoming easy breezy, especially as I’ve seen such impressive results, and I can barely (...) recall the state of ‘down there’ affairs beforehand. Smooth skin is now my normality, and it wouldn’t occur to me to include my nether regions in my at-home hair removal routine. I leave well alone between appointments, because the hair that grows back is so fine and downy that it can barely be seen. In fact, on close inspection, it looks like it’s gone blonde…
I asked Sonya’s expert opinion on situation blonde and she assured me that the few hairs still lurking had not in fact lightened, they’d just become so sparse and weedy as to look almost transparent. Cue evil cackle on my part- the laser is winning. As mentioned previously , however, laser does lay down the law, and it’s important not to become casual about sticking to the rules just because you’re coming to the end of the course. Stay out of the sun, forgo fake tan and don’t you dare tweeze or wax in between. Your therapist should ask you about any medical issues or changes before each appointment and it’s important not to bulldoze through this in your smooth-for-life excitement, as medication such as certain antibiotics can make your skin more sensitive to light, while other conditions could pose different complications. Also, body scrubs and acid exfoliants are to be avoided at all costs. I wouldn’t normally welcome these in my lady garden anyway, but it pays to be vigilant to avoid unnecessary pain along the way.
Speaking of pain, don’t believe the horror stories; my experience with laser hair removal has been significantly less painful and messy than my bikini wax backstory . Trust me, if I can handle it, you can too. If cost is a hurdle, opt to treat the area that drives you most to distraction when it comes to depilation. If your underarms demand thrice daily shaving, your legs require a lawnmower for full clearance or indeed your bikini line suffers from recurrent razor burn, as mine did, investing in long-term to permanent hair removal will pay its dues over time. Laser hair removal undoubtedly requires commitment, funds and some level of good behaviour, and results are by no means instantaneous, but when you think of the tedium and expense of a lifelong waxing ‘treatment plan’ it soon starts to make a lot of sense. You don’t have to wait for hair to grow back to get rid of it again as you do with other methods, and while it sprouts back in patches according to your hair growth cycle, remember it’s dying with every appointment. Mwahahahah.
While laser hair removal is a beauty treatment, it’s important to remember that it’s also quite a serious clinical procedure, and laser in the wrong hands doesn’t bear thinking about. It pays to go by referral and recommendation; it’s a hazard to both your health and bank account to cut corners. Cheap razors are one thing, but cheap lasers quite another, so don’t go near cut-price deals or aggressive sales pitches with a bargepole; if it seems too good to be true, it will be. That said, don’t bypass deals entirely, as it makes sense for both yourself and your therapist to treat more than one area during sessions. Go with your gut, or if you’re in the London area, go with Sonya.
All that’s left for me is a few more extermination rounds on specific stubborn areas (very common when zapping below the belt apparently) and if required a touch of electrolysis with Sonya’s sister Rachel to finish off any remaining die-hard follicles. Electrolysis is the only method of hair removal deemed unequivocally ‘permanent’, so if this two pronged approach doesn’t work over time there’s a significant chance you’re a yeti. I’m hoping I’m not, and the diagnosis looks positive so far. The only thing standing in the way of perma bikini baldness is hormones, as they can trigger previously dormant hair follicles to reawaken from time to time. If they do so, Sonya will be right there with her laser gun, and Rachel behind her with her electrolysis probe *crack of thunder, villainous laugh*.