Why 'breast deodorant' is just wrong

Being the beauty junkies that we are, we love a genius product innovation. Fresh ideas, cutting-edge research and results-driven formulations are top of our tick-list. We’re a demanding bunch in the manner of Dragons’ Den; nothing gets through our beauty net without first undergoing rigorous testing and scrutiny. A product must not only perform but also make our lives easier and fill a chasm in our cosmetics bags.

We’ll tell you from the get-go that one beauty “breakthrough” that will not be finding a home in our curated beauty cupboard is breast deodorant. Yes, it’s a thing. No, we don’t want it. More vitally, we don’t need it. It’s doing zilch for womankind and we’re breaking out in a sweat just contemplating it.

While underarm sweat can genuinely be a bit of a bother - stained clothes, unpleasant odours and sticky commutes make anti-perspirant somewhat of a stalwart product for both sexes - sweaty boobs (or ‘swoobs’ as breast deodorant manufacturer Fresh Body has so lovingly christened them) are not something that has caused us genuine concern thus far in life.

According to no less than three companies, however, we’re all fools for forgetting to fret about our apparently offensively clammy chests. Newsflash dear readers, moist mammaries are off the lady menu. If you spy beads of sweat on your bosom, get thee out of the public domain this instant. Dewy cleavage will not be endured, at least not by exploitative “health” brands or ingenious “gap in the market” vendors.

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Along with banishing every millimetre of body hair and squeezing our disagreeable derrières into support pants, now we’re being coerced into hating and hiding yet another biologically natural and useful facet of being human/woman. Fresh Body “reassures” us that, thanks to their ‘scientifically created’ breast deodorant ‘women can now rest easy; we’re replacing “swoobs”- dreaded boob sweat - with smiles!’. That pesky breast perspiration that you never actually notice is affecting your reputation too, just in case you wondered.

“Let’s face it, how many more times can you walk into a room and let your boob sweat-soaked shirt make the first impression for you? Boob sweat, or “swoobs”, is a common, and uncomfortable, problem most women have to deal with daily - until now!”

The most salient point in this sales pitch is that the company are clearly inordinately proud of the fact that they’ve coined the tactless term “swoobs”. Another brand pushing their unnecessary breast hygiene product is Klima Health Solutions, who assure us that their ‘Bust Dust’ deodorant ‘is a revolutionary product because it not only prevents odour, but also blocks sweat from exiting your skin where it is applied’. For a not-so-bargain price of $19.95, you can prevent your mostly dry, unfragranced breasts from ever doing anything as physically essential and disgusting as sweating in searing temperatures or during a gym session. How unfeminine. The brand Boobalicious is also playing the femininity card, pedalling fragranced breast deodorants with names such as ‘Lickable Lemons’ and ‘Hills of Honey’ (with an accompanying apparel range btw). What’s more, these sweat-wicking wonders are ‘all natural and organic’ (just like, say, perspiration). The appeal and usefulness of breast deodorant is pretty much summed up by a client testimonial of the Boobalicious website:

“Boobalicious is the best thing since white bread.”

We think the customer in question may mean ‘sliced’. Also, as countless scientific studies tell us, white bread is in fact bad for health. Which in a funny way probably sums up the product perfectly: misguided and lacking in any real value. In short, it stinks.