New mums are full of uncertainty; from how to feed the baby to whether hair-washing is mandatory, here are some of the highbrow concerns we trouble ourselves about daily
- This gets easier, right?
- I mean, how can something this small make so much noise?
- Is that a hungry cry or a tired cry?
- WHY DON’T I KNOW WHAT THE CRIES MEAN?
- Am I a bad mother?
- Is that person thinking I’m a bad mother?
- OMG who sent us this brilliant thing that stops the crying and did I send them a thank-you letter?
- Given that I can't remember, is it better to send one now and risk them getting two, or indeed sending it to the wrong person entirely, or never to send one at all?
- Where did that sock go?
- What am I going to feed her?
- WHY WON’T SHE EAT
- No, seriously, where is that sock?
- Whoa there. What’s that smell?
- I mean, how can something this small produce this much s***?
- Will anyone notice if I don’t wash my hair?
- Is this the end of my social life?
- Is this the end of my career?
- Why didn’t I get a Tamagotchi instead?
- Or a cat, like a normal person?
- Is that the sock that fell off before, or the other one?
- You don’t really have to do pelvic floor exercises every day, right? Like, doing two twice a week is enough?
- WHERE IS THE NEAREST LOO TELL ME NOW
- When is she going to smile/roll over/crawl/talk/play the piano?
- OMG she can smile/roll over/crawl/talk/play the piano! Is it too soon to start talking about “gifted and talented” programmes?
- Will a second cup of coffee keep me awake later?
- Will I fall asleep now if I don’t drink any more coffee?
- Is this surreal, dream-like feeling from sleep deprivation or too much coffee?
- I wonder if anyone wants to go to the coffee shop?
- What day is it?
- When can I stop breastfeeding?
- Will I regret it if I stop breastfeeding?
- Why is my husband so useless?
- How the hell do single mums do this without husbands or partners?
- What month is it?
- I wonder when was the last time I wore a bra that actually fitted me?
- Would this be easier if I'd waited until I was older?
- Did I remember to put the washing machine on?
- OMG what will we do if the washing machine breaks?
- Or the dishwasher? *Makes sign of the cross with fingers*
- If I was a child’s welly boot, where would I be?
- Is it best if we just become hippies so she can go barefoot?
- Would I suit dreadlocks? At least it would solve the hair-washing problem…
- Would my face be this wrinkled at this age if I hadn’t had a child?
- I wonder what’s going on out there, in the world?
- When, exactly, does it get easier?
- Should I have another one in case this one moves to Australia?
- It’s easier with the second one, right?
- Why am I not pregnant again, I’ve had sex like twice this year.
- Oh God there are some childless people, what do you talk about with people who don’t have kids?
- Where did this sock come from?
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