Thin-skinned and self-obsessed, small children like to make a big noise when they’re not getting their way. So it’s probably not a great idea to give them access to a social media account with millions of followers – but if you did, here’s what it might look like…
5.30am Wake up to find everybody sleeping. Certain people are so lazy. Sad!
5.35am Run around house turning lights on and off. Daddy was not so nice to me, said I had to watch Peppa Pig on Netflix
5.45am Has anyone seen Peppa Pig lately? So overrated, worst show on TV. Nobody is watching it. Dying!
6am Mummy Pig is such a hog. Daddy Pig should leave her. When I grow up I will marry someone beautiful like Madame Gazelle
6.15am Accidentally switched over to FAKE NEWS channel CNN. Quickly switch back, you can only trust information you get from CBeebies
6.30am More FAKE NEWS, this time from Dinopaws. Dinosaurs, big conspiracy, never existed! My friend Rollo told me. Very disappointed in CBeebies
7am Weetabix for breakfast. Texture very unpalatable & disgusting, flavour also terrible. Should be outlawed
7.10am Now they try an egg. Where is the sugary cereal? It’s time to punish these stinking hippies with a tantrum and #MakeBreakfastGreatAgain
7.25am Everyone talking about how clever I am for putting my T-shirt on by myself
7.30am Bathroom carnage as certain people decide it would be a good idea to brush my teeth
7.45am DO NOT TOUCH THE HAIR!
8am Mummy tried to get me to put my own shoes on because it was ten minutes after we were supposed to leave. I said no way!
8.30am Nice welcome at nursery, everybody stopped to say hi. Lot of people greeting me, amazing people. WIN!
10.30am Everybody at snack time said how much they loved my birthday party on Friday. Snotnose Ryan said there was only three people. Wrong!
10.32am Ryan is not my best friend any more
10.35am Look at pictures of my party. So many people saying nice things. LOVE
11am Ryan told me he liked my Spiderman T-shirt. I always knew he was very smart!
12pm Pathetic nursery staff put vegetables on my plate again. When I rule the world it’ll be nothing but PLASTIC CHEESE for lunch
12.30pm Truly weird Ryan is a spoiled brat without a properly functioning brain. He was terrible at lunch. Fought me for last cookie, no manners!
1pm Very honoured to do finger painting with Ryan. I appreciate his genius more and more each day
2.30pm Ryan is a weak lightweight who will not accept the FACT that millions of people attended my party. Ridiculous!
3pm Nursery staff stopped me punching Ryan in the head screaming “MY PARTY WAS AMAZING” in his face. Lucky for him they were there to protect
5pm Mummy is here! Tell her everything dopey Ryan did to me today. Key worker tells her I started it, stealing Ryan’s milk. Just another lie
5.30pm Again with the vegetables at dinner. #timetogettough
5.45pm Mum says I can’t watch Topsy & Tim because of throwing the vegetables across the table. Very overrated show anyway, low ratings, dying!
6pm Maybe Daddy will let me watch Topsy & Tim
6.01pm Dad is, without question, the WORST EVER parent. Has lost all credibility. I predict he will do something terrible now to prove his manhood!
6.02pm Time out is stupid, pointless & so unfair
6.05pm That’s it, I’m peeing my pants
6.10pm SOMEDAY I will get my own back on you all BIG. You’ll see!