In the last few weeks I have mainly been connecting with my backside. In lieu of talking through it, which is what I mainly get accused of, I have actually been working it out. And working it out HARD. Under the auspices of the brilliantly patient Joslyn Thompson Rule, Operation Arse is officially a go-go.
I have worked out a few times before in my life, each time with various levels of enthusiasm and success. But this time I have to say I am determined. Determined, to be able to run down the beach this summer without someone alerting Greenpeace. Determined, to see some sort of definition in the gut area, rather than the gentle indentation of my waistband. Determined, to be able to run up the stairs without the need of oxygen and a little lie down. Also truth be told, given my rather advanced years, I am also determined not to be the sort of person who sits down in an armchair only to exhale loudly and declare: “That’s better.”
So Joslyn has taken me under her rather firm, well-toned wing and she has me squatting, lunging and carrying some awfully heavy 4 kilos weights. Her theory is a simple one: you work hard and heavy in short bursts with plenty of water breaks and you build muscle and flexibility at the same time. I have been doing some horrendous bending and stretching exercise called an ‘inch worm’ for agility, and I have done more planks than I have in my hall floor. And it seems to be making a difference.
To the amateur buttock watcher, you might not be able to tell much of a difference. I have not gone Kardashian overnight but when I tell you that I was at ground zero in terms of bum muscle, Joslyn has done a tremendous job. I am beginning to get some jean definition. I have gone from a pancake butt to a little bit more of a handful, which given that a charming ex-boyfriend of mine once opined: “My God you have a wide flat bottom”, is really saying something.
Personally I blame it on the squats. All 5000 of them. But it’s not only the backside she’s tweaked; my stomach is less jelly belly and my thighs have lost their cottage cheese pouches at the back. All the hollow holds, and abdominal hip lifts seem to be paying off.
The other thing about exercise that I have always found so difficult in the past is the time. Any excuse to shirk, any excuse to do something else, run away, head for the hills, hang out in Starbucks with an over priced cup of coffee and a rather large sandwich - but you see, Joslyn has also got me there too. I work out at home.
But instead of her coming to my house, being annoyed by the dog, or kidnapped by my children, she calls me on my phone. I have seen the future, and it is called the FaceTime Work Out. I pop my phone on the mantelpiece and we have a chat. I can see her. She can see me and then we start. She barks her instructions down the line and I comply with as little cheating as possible. In fact it is hard to cheat because she can see every move I make.
But it is genius. There is none of the time wasting going back and forth, changing in the gym, showering, flashing your wide flat arse in public. It is short, hard, intense, much like the rest of the work and there is zero possibility of ducking out of it. In fact, I can’t recommend it enough.
Operation Arse is a long process; however, slowly but surely, we have lift off!
Want to know which bum exercises will give you a more pert behind? Check out our guide coming soon - follow @ProjectBikiniGTG on Instagram to be the first in the know...