Christa D'Souza discovers the diet that seems too good to be true

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Is it Skinny Fat or Fat Skinny? It doesn’t really matter, all I know, that’s me at the moment - or was in the Maldives earlier this year. Oof, the pic of oneself in a bikini (with a way to go on the tan front) will always do it. Maybe this is the stage in my life where I need to start wearing a one piece only? Or maybe it’s time, yet again to take myself in hand. But how?

Those clever tricks  which always used to work (like  burnt lamb cutlets ONLY, or no carbs unless they are in wine) they just... don’t, anymore.  Maybe that happens when one becomes d’un certain age? Ore maybe one’s metabolism gets wise to those tricks. Or maybe, most likely, one’s drinking more than one thinks. Whatever the case, I need something to put me back on the right track, something that will shock my system out of its middle-aged schlump.

Enter Pure Package, a gourmet food delivery service which has ‘revolutionized dieting and healthy eating across London’ as it says on the box. Founded by Irish businesswoman Jennifer Irvine, it’s based on the old principles of organic, free range Non-GM, ethically sourced and fresh, etc etc, and specializes in rapid, safe, healthy weight loss. Fellow Fat Skinnies  such as  Denise Van Outen, Florence Welch, Lily Cole and Hugh Jackman all swear by it apparently.

So I blocked out my diary and signed up for the 1,300 cal programme, fully prepared to be ‘hangry’ for the next 10 days. And what do you know, before the first day had even ended I’d called up  FURIOUS that they’d got my order wrong. I mean come on.  Buttery Shepherd’s pie? Chocolate Mousse? Doritos with guacamole? Did they think I said two thousand three hundred? But no, they hadn’t made a mistake. Okay, I’m new to this healthy eating delivery gig, but the way they can make a calorie go that far? This is Breaking Bad brilliant, as far as I’m concerned.

It takes a lot to get me up in the morning, but you should have seen me scampering down in my jammies before the kids had even got up to see what my black bag had in store for the day. What do I miss most? Let’s see: Coronation chicken salad? Black sesame crusted roasted salmon with grapefruit and mirin? Nasi Goreng with stir fried king prawns and soy marinated brown rice? (And we’re not talking toy portions here by any stretch).

First off, who knew you could lose weight eating so many carbs? Second, who knew what an amazing foodstuff quinoa was? Okay. AA Gill and Giles Coren may beg to differ, and if you’re a raging foodie you might think it a little BA business-class, me however, I could eat it every day for the rest of my life. Oh yes, and I almost forgot. Felt great, dropped a size and a half and never felt hangry once. Time to retox so I can do it all over again.