The Shamechanger: our advice columnist on why 'squirting' during sex is more common than you think

"My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have a great sex life. Recently though, when I orgasm I end up kind of peeing everywhere, except it’s not pee. I’ve never experienced this before and it is freaking us both out. I’m so ashamed that I have started putting a stop to sex because I just can’t trust myself. My boyfriend is super nice about it, but I feel so embarrassed. It is really upsetting me, and I’m worried something might be wrong. Do you know what this is and how I can stop it from happening?"

Darling girl, you can’t stop this from happening and you shouldn’t want to. You are experiencing what is colloquially known as ‘squirting’ or ‘gushing’ but more formally known as female ejaculation. I am a free-flow gusher and was also rather shocked when it first happened, coinciding with my first ever orgasm. Which in itself was a massive shock as I’d been practising the old S.E.X. for a while, but obviously with the wrong people. After much research to check I didn’t have a geriatric bladder issue, I learned a considerable amount, which I will now share with you.

Despite what you might think, you don’t need a penis to ejaculate; you only need a urethra. This is the tube that allows urine to leave the body, but fear not, ejaculation is not urine but a clear liquid (justifiably, it does have the consistency of urine) full of enzymes that is secreted from the skene glands or ‘the female prostate’, during sexual arousal or orgasm, similarly to male ejaculation. Skene glands can also be called periurethral or paraurethral glands, and are located around the opening of the urethra. The tissue that surrounds them includes part of the clitoris. How much fluid comes out is dependant on each person individually and can vary. For example, I have experienced just a little bit (less than an egg cup) that just needed towelling dry, but also what felt like I had unintentionally entered an ice-bucket challenge (without the ice) and needed a complete change of bed sheets. However, both feel like I have wet the bed like a toddler and can make me a little pink in the cheeks if I am with a new partner.

It's worth noting that sometimes 'squirting' doesn’t happen at all. Once the glands are fully emptied, they need time to refill. However, the jury is out on whether there is a biological function to squirting, so it will be something you have to get used to. It is also not uncommon (I can vouch for that. I’d say I squirt nine out of ten times I have intercourse); it is said by medical news today that between ten and 50 per cent of woman ejaculate during intercourse and or foreplay.

You mention that this is a recent occurrence, the possibilities for why are endless, but in my experience and that of my gal pals, it really comes down to how much you enjoy the sex, the safety you feel with your partner and relaxing into the moment with pure vulnerability. I’d look at it as a sign of a great relationship.

So, that’s the medical part out of the way, but I still think we ought to confront the embarrassment you hold around this. If I were to tell you that there are benefits to allowing yourself to orgasm as naturally as your body wishes to, then it may lighten the load somewhat. After climaxing, the body releases hormones called endorphins that promote sleep, relieve stress, support the immune system and lower blood pressure. So if anything, you are doing yourself a favour by succumbing to the pleasure.

And between you and me, the likely reason your boyfriend is so ‘nice’ about it is that squirting is a real turn on to men. This is likely because it shows up in porn movies more often than you can imagine. I once had a partner tell me it is like when you stroke a cat and when it reacts by purring, you know you are doing it right. This possibly why the fluid was dubbed ‘nectar of the gods’ in ancient India.

Baby steps - Open up to your girlfriends.

This is what I did and my god did it open up a whole new light on sex and how others experience it. It made me drop my guard and feel comfortable asking questions that I would never have asked before. I can guarantee at least one of them will have experienced it. You should also talk to your boyfriend; explain you feel embarrassed and ask if you guys can work through it together. If he is as lovely as you say he is, I bet you he will be totally on board with supporting you.

Head-on – Turn on the adult movies

This might seem terrifying but think of it scientifically. To be able to watch it in action and pause as many times as you need to so you can see the whole process is the same as learning about the birds and the bees via David Attenborough narrating lions mating in Africa. Do this with your boyfriend too. Explain your nervousness around the subject and ask that you take the biology lesson together. That way, you can both learn about what is happening, what to expect in the future and how best to navigate your way through it.

Full Nuclear – Join a Nunnery

Invest in a chastity belt and dedicate yourself to a life of celibacy. (Awkwardly) Laugh all you want at this one, but honestly, the only major thing you can do to change this is to stop it from happening altogether. So, no more sex, no more masturbating, no wiping too hard when you’ve been to the loo, no hosing yourself off with the showerhead, because, trust me, if you deprive your body of what it wants and needs – sexual release, it will take matters into its own hands. If it wants to climax….it will!! Remember, boys, aren’t the only ones that can have wet dreams.

I know it can be daunting, but it sounds like you have a terrific guy, so don’t run away, just sit, have a cup of tea and a proper and frank conversation. I guarantee it will be the best option.

Got a shame you want to change? Message Hattie at  shamechanger@getthegloss.com . Hattie is a confidence and emotional intelligence coach and Master N.L.P. Practitioner. She is so grateful for your emails and reads all of them but cannot reply individually. Names will be withheld if requested and letters may be edited for the wider audience. For a private chat or in-depth consultation, find her at  www.hattiesloggett.com

Names have been changed.