In honour of Mother's Day, we take a brief break from moaning and whining to reflect on how lucky we are to have an excuse never to go out again
One of the things I personally love about motherhood is how, as a writer, it’s enabled me to build a career upon complaining about motherhood . But there are actually just as many cool things about my new life. Such as...
1. The kids
Obviously, unconditional love, yada yada, I’m putting this down first so you don’t report me to Social Services even though #5 is clearly way better.
I’ve become so good at multitasking, I can basically bend time. (I’m writing this sitting on the loo while brushing my teeth with one hand, sending a text with the other and singing Old Macdonald.)
All the time. I don’t know why this is part of it, but it is.
Much of the time. I do know why this is part of it, but any excuse etc.
5. Parent and child parking
So long, suckers.
6. An excuse to be fat for nine months
My tummy always stuck out so I spent my pregnancy in bodycon dresses going, “It’s not my fault I don’t look like Posh Spice! I’m up the duff!”
7. Tiny socks
Makes the fiddly process of hanging them on the line bearable. Also tiny vests, tiny trousers, tiny dresses.
8. Sunny afternoons in the park
Maternity leave isn’t all good, but there are times it’s great not to be in an office.
9. Making them laugh
The first time my baby and I shared a real joke (being honest, I think it was her joke) made having mastitis 72 times totally worth it.
Until your baby has been completely kitted out by gifts from everyone you know and some you don’t, like your mum’s friend from the Rotary Club or your work colleague’s mum, you have no idea how kind people are. Strangers help you up stairs with a pram. They talk to you on public transport. They pull stupid faces to cheer your child up when it’s screaming on a plane. I'd always liked to think it, but now I'm sure: people are, at root, good.
11. An excuse to be late
“Sorry! You know what it’s like, had to change nappy on the way out of the door…” AKA I decided to put makeup on for once in my life.
12. An excuse not to travel
“Can you come to us? It’s so tricky travelling with a baby…”
13. An excuse not to do anything you don’t want to do, basically
“It’s a no-questions-asked way out of almost all social events that suck big time in favour of another episode of House of Cards on Netflix,” says my friend Matt, who’s actually a dad but let's be honest has nailed one of the biggest perks of a mum's job.
14. Sleepy cuddles
Suddenly has a point again. (Plus, friends inform me, you can now host it if you want to.)
16. The ability to sleep anywhere
ANYWHERE. Planes. Office chairs. I used to suffer from insomnia but now if I just pick up this cushion here I’ll immediately asfdvcklm ,
Sorry, fell asleep.
17. The chance of going to a nicer nursing home
My toddler has no idea why I always make her play “investment bankers”, mwahaha.
18. Mother's Day
“It’s like having two birthdays!” says my friend Amy, leaving me wondering whether she has an exceptionally good Mother's Day or an exceptionally rubbish birthday.
19. Other mothers
That moment when you look at someone and you just know what she’s feeling, and she knows you know? And somehow that’s enough? This has probably been the biggest, best change in my life since becoming a mum (alright, alright, except for 1). My local baby group is not an obvious group of friends; we’re all pretty different, but we’ve been in the trenches together these past few years and that is an unbreakable bond. If you mess with any of those women I WILL END YOU.
Happy Mother's Day.