How to ‘re-parent’ yourself for a calmer, less stressful life

The Narain sisters move in starry circles. Nadia Narain, 53, was a model contemporary of Kate Moss in the 1990s and went on to teach her yoga at celebrity-magnet Triyoga. Chef Katia Narain Phillips, 50, ran a health food café there and now works as a somatic practitioner. Sienna Miller, no less, describes their new book Glimmers: Tiny Moments To Transform Your Life as a source of “essential tools to counter the pace of modern life”.

The irony is, however, that the sisters’ wellbeing advice is straightforward, sensible and accessible to absolutely everyone. You certainly don’t need an A-lister’s bank account to benefit from it. The new book, their third, is about recognizing the microscopic slivers of joy and connection in our everyday lives. Examples are dotted through the pages: things like getting into bed when the sheets are freshly changed, when a dog rests its chin on your lap or the feeling of warm sunshine on your face. Seeking out these glimmers and leaning into them on a daily basis, they say, regulates and calms our nervous system, and makes us far more consistently happy than big, life-changing events.

Sister act: Katia Narain Phillips (left) and Nadia Narain

One chapter that caught my eye encouraged the notion of ‘re-parenting’ ourselves. It’s about the benefits of treating yourself with the kindness and compassion that a good parent shows their child. Here’s Nadia and Katia to explain how, and why, it works.

“Young children are a fascinating case study in emotional regulation. They feel everything intensely and express it openly. And they can’t regulate their own nervous systems. They rely on calm adults to help them regulate, with rocking and soothing, comforting words, hugs and affection.

“As adults, we may have learned to moderate our reactions in public, but the internal rollercoaster remains. If you were lucky enough to grow up with a supportive parent or carer, you’ll have been given some great tools for dealing with your emotions and will have felt that it was safe to express your anger or excitement without someone constantly telling you to quieten down or stop crying.

“But if you didn’t experience safety and regulation from your parent when you were growing up, it’s not too late to be the parent you always needed for your inner child. If you find yourself feeling that you were dealt a bad hand in life and it’s too late to change anything. You’re not a helpless child now, and you can take steps to live your life differently.

“How? Well, at its most simple, reparenting consists of implementing actions throughout your day to set you up for success and keep you regulated. Things like moving your body, nurturing it with good food and building supportive social networks.

“Even understanding what’s happening to your body at various points throughout your day counts as parenting – for example, knowing that ‘If I don’t eat breakfast I get irritable’. Then advising yourself on the things you need to do to regulate yourself, and creating a routine from a place of compassion, exactly as you would do for a child. Sleep, nutrition, hydration, fun, learning, affection and love are what all humans need, at any age. As adults, if we know how to take good care of ourselves, we are better parents, friends, colleagues and partners in other aspects of our lives.

“We can also be a kind parent when it comes to our feelings. Instead of shaming ourselves for experiencing emotions such as frustration or sadness, we can recognize these feelings and accept them. Think of how we see a toddler acting out and we say, ‘Oh, they’re so tired’ or ‘Maybe they’re hungry’, but when it comes to ourselves (and others) we launch into far more judgemental language, such as ‘‘I’m a bad person.’ Treat your own feelings with compassion and curiosity. Understand that we are the way we are because of all that we have experienced – it’s not good or bad; it just is.”

Your 7-step self-parenting routine

“When you’re feeling dysregulated, show your inner child some love. Think about how you would support a child who was having a hard time and do this for yourself.”

• Set regular mealtimes.
• Eat nourishing food. Just as you wouldn’t let a toddler eat crisps and Haribo for dinner, don’t feed yourself this way.
• Ensure you get enough sleep.
• Remind yourself of what you loved to do as a child and make time for it now – dancing, painting, being outside, baking.
• Pre-empt stressful situations. If mornings always feel rushed, lay out your clothes the night before and prepare breakfast, like a loving parent would do for their kid.
• Create a calming bedtime routine. Have a bath, go to bed with a book.
• Rock yourself calm. This regulates the nervous system, taking us back to early childhood when our caregivers rocked us to be soothed. Rocking can be as simple as sitting upright and gently rocking forwards and backwards. It doesn’t have to be a big movement if you are in the company of others. If you have space, it’s a nice idea to have a rocking chair in your living room – it’s calming to sit and rock with a cup of tea. This video shows you how to do it.

This is an edited extract from Glimmers: Tiny Moments To Transform Your Life (Penguin Life, £13.39) by Nadia Narain and Katia Narain Phillips, which is out now.