Ask Elle: my kids are leaving home – how do you deal with an empty nest?

Dear Elle, my youngest daughter is about to leave home so my husband and I will be empty nesters. I have really mixed feelings about this. How did you navigate it – Lauren*

Elle: That resonates with me, Lauren! As a mother who has watched her boys leave the nest, I can empathise. Due to my career and their father living abroad, we have been a family of the world for a very long time. Their study, work and relationships, especially over the past five years, have meant that travel and separation is part and parcel for us.

Lately, the distance has been made a lot easier as we all live close by now. Cy has just freshly graduated from university in Boston after four years away and lives barely 15 minutes from my home. Flynn, my oldest, graduated six years ago and also lives 15 minutes away, so we are lucky enough to see each other often. Even if just for a quick hour or so, a cuddle, a chat and a laugh. All too often, they are simply running past to restock their (and their girlfriends’) WelleCo favourites! Sometimes we meet in London, or if it’s a special family occasion, elsewhere, to reconnect and to remember just how blessed we are to have each other.

There are months, however, when we don’t see each other at all, but we still stay in touch with text or Facetime most days. I am still ‘Mum’ in the ‘favourites’ on their phones and still receive their phone calls for advice or just a little hello. These are reminders for me that they still value their Mum, despite their towering heights and big dreams. For that, I am grateful. Today, I like to see my role in their life as a guide rather than an authority figure, and I aim for them to learn that their own inner authority is what matters most.

Even in the earliest days of mothering, I knew this day would come, so I set out to deliberately foster a sense of freedom and independence in them (and in myself!). It turned out to be the most valuable gift I could give them. Here are some of the tips that worked for us in this transition period.

Elle with sons Cy (left) and Flynn

Prepare physically

Similarly to that final stage of the pregnancy process, you progress into an adaptation phase when faced with them ‘officially’ leaving. I wanted to ensure they were set up in all the ways I’d learned are most important. That meant ensuring they could cook simple, nutritious meals, shop for organic produce, recognise what harms and what heals, read the labels of their food, and wash and clean their clothes, home and veggies! All the important mum stuff. This preparation began years before they actually left. In a lot of ways, mothers prepare for this moment from the very beginning.

I spent many years in the approach teaching them about health and wellbeing (despite some resistance!) Like all of the best full circles, the boys now choose to look after themselves in the way I’d hoped they would. They both prioritise their nutrition and fitness and take their WelleCo daily. Both Flynn and Cy are loyal fans of The Super Elixir, £63. Cy’s girlfriend also loves her subscription to our Hair Elixir, £42 (and has the hair to prove it!)

They are, like me, diligent about their sunshine, laughter, grounding, breathwork, meditation, hot/cold therapy, natural remedies. They’re also attentive to their gut health.

In the lead-up to them leaving, I also encouraged them to balance their finances and to always get three quotes on any work they want to get done on their homes or cars.

Mark the milestone

This period of adapting to your newfound freedom marks a job well done. Of course there are life’s little hiccups but as long as health and happiness prevail, it truly is a celebration of all your hard work. Well done, Lauren!

I chose to mark this period with a home downsize and a few laughs with them over wonderful memories shared… letting go of the actual circumstances and remembering clearly how we all felt at those cherished times.

Ultimately, I don’t believe that being overly nostalgic or living in the past is helpful. I always adapt and evolve to the current situation knowing that how I choose to feel about life now is a huge determining factor in what life brings next.

Adaptability and flexibility are the superpowers of the future so I encourage myself to adapt to the now, finding the true gifts in every now moment.

Reframe your loss as a gain

Rather than see yourself as an empty nester, see it as a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself again and to live without boundaries. It may sound clichéd but building a new and full life that you love is the key to a happy transition.

Learn to enjoy the endless lie-ins, the travel, a long bath, time in the sun; learning your heart’s deepest wishes and watching them manifest.

This is why, well before the boys were ready to leave, I began building a full life that didn’t simply revolve around motherhood. This has led to a smooth, loving, fulfilling transition for us all.

Mindset over matter

Mindful of how much my own lessons have improved my quality of life (detailed in my book, elle, £22.25),  I’ve always been very conscious of the values I hoped would influence my sons and affect their lives. 

Values like ‘listen to your inner sense’, because it is at least as important as common sense. And ‘follow your heart like a life compass’.

I share with them the value of being authentic and leaning into their unique selves that are their most important gift to this world. I tell them to celebrate the power of their differences and uniqueness, instead of just aiming for sameness and following the crowd.

Basically, I suggest they remain in alignment with themselves and their hearts. The way to go through life is definitely by learning and living heart and mind coherence! (This is a state of harmony indicating optimal synchronicity between brain and heart leading to less stress, emotional regulation and enhanced overall function and resilience.)

I also remind them that kindness to the human species, and the plant and animal kingdoms, is paramount because we are all connected as one.

Now her boys have left home, Elle has more time for wellbeing

Tend to your bucket list

It was guitar for me! I also really zoned in on my health and wellness routine.

I also began writing my book and discovered new ways to cook (my dehydrator is my new favourite). I also planted a veggie patch which delivers lots of beautiful produce and joy.

Lauren, I hope this has helped you feel empowered in this new phase of life. Try to enjoy those new, perhaps unfamiliar feelings of freedom as you find your feet and love your uniqueness.

Got a question for Elle? Let us know at [email protected]

*name has been changed